


will you pick up if i call?

by mehan kartik (daydreamingstoryteller)



Series: Raakh [2]
Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24982336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamingstoryteller/pseuds/mehan%20kartik
Summary: "How can you be gone when I still need you?"An interlude of Raakh. What actually was going through Kartik's head, as he realized that Aman was dead.[Can be interpreted as happening right after the accident, when Kartik locked himself in their room or after when he's broken down and the family comforts him.]
Relationships: Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Series: Raakh [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1808503
Comments: 23
Kudos: 28





	will you pick up if i call?

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry for the lack of updates. Especially for Raakh. It's been a tiring few weeks, emotionally, physically and more. I kinda fell sick too (no need to worry it isn't corona, but yea I'm off work cus of sickness). And I also kinda fucked up bad last night. Most of you know why. I need time off to cool down and figure out how to apologize.
> 
> This... this is technically a Raakh update but I know this isn't what most of you were expecting. I'm sorry about that. But this is something I wanted to write but couldn't fit into the other story. It's a lot of dard. Feel free to not read it if it's not your thing. 
> 
> I promise the actual Raakh updates will be better and happier. So much more happier i swear. But until then, see you guys <3
> 
> TW: Death, Grief and mourning.

Kartik doesn't know how long he lay there. The thoughts in his brain wouldn't stop. He couldn't help himself. He was alone. No one was around to stop him from delving into his self-destructive tendencies. 

The pain in his heart wouldn't leave. He didn't know how anyone ever lived with this much anguish. He can't even think about tomorrow much less forever without Aman by his side. 

He didn't know what to do. He just sat there, in the dark. In the silence of the room that felt like it was both suffocating him and giving him solace from the world outside. The world that didn't have Aman in it anymore. 

Did he even want to go back out into that world?

Kartik didn't know. 

So he sat there, pain in his heart, words at the tips of his tongue, screams and tear clogged up in his throat and yet... none of it ever slipped out.   
  
He was alone. He could have said the things he needed to say. He could have cried out like he wanted to ... but. What was the point of doing all that if no one was around to hear?   
  
The thought of trying to talk to anyone....it burned him. He knew they'd listen. They loved him. He knew.   
  
He had always known how blessed and lucky he was to ever have someone like Aman in his life. And the rest of the family? They were like a godsend. 

Kartik loved each and every one of them with all his heart. Most of the time it still felt like a fever dream, that he went from being so alone (with only Devi as support) to having a bunch of amazing people that loved him. That loved _all_ of him. 

Even the parts that Kartik himself thought was too much for people to handle, the parts of him that he'd been so ashamed to show others... 

None of that mattered when it came to the Tripathis.   
  
Of course, at the start, they'd had a bad time. The whole first weekend was a horrible few days of high strung emotions and tears and fear of separation.   
  
But they had come out of it stronger. It was a turning point in both their lives. Aman had become more open and confident about them and their relationship. At the same time, Kartik had let go of the last bit of insecurities he had about Aman leaving him. About him not deserving Aman .. not deserving a happy ending. A family of his own.   
  
The readily given acceptance of the Tripathis (though it did take a while to come), and their comforting words and smiles helped Kartik finally let go of that breath that he'd been holding in for so long.   
  
He could finally breathe. Everything had been wonderful. Every time Goggle or Keshav would call him "Jiju" or any of the adults would call him "beta" or "humara damaad hai"... his heart would stop for a second and skip a beat.   
  
It was a like fever dream.   
  
Now, he wishes that everything was a dream. Or in this case, a nightmare. He wished he never had to deal with this.   
  
The pain felt unbearable. It was choking him from the inside out. How was he expected to move on? How could he go on? Without Aman?  
  
Without the man that basically saved him and understood him better than anyone else?

Sitting there, in the dark... Kartik felt like he was breaking apart like never before. He wanted- no. He _needed_ someone to hold him. To soothe his soul with warm honey sweet whisperings, and hugs. 

He needed someone to hold his hand and just let him squeeze it as hard as he could, just to reassure himself that someone was there.   
  
And while he knew that if he asked, anyone from the family would run to help him... he just. He couldn't bring himself to even try. 

He knew Rajni would let him cry into his shoulder. Like she had done that night at the train station.

He knew Keshav would sit by his side and let him listen to Aman's playlist.

He knew that Papa, mummy, chacha, chachi... they would all be there for him in a heartbeat. He knew. 

But the only one he wanted to see him breakdown was never going to come. 

The one person that he wanted to call out to right now.. will never hear it. Not anymore.   
  
Aman always knew instantly when Kartik was not okay. When he was in a depressive state or when he'd be reliving nightmares... Aman would know even before Kartik did sometimes. 

But now... here he was on the cusp of a massive breakdown and Aman wasn't there. 

It was different. 

Kartik knew he could talk to the family, but there was a part of his heart that hesitated. 

They would be there for him but... would they understand?

Would they hold Kartik and let him cry and understand the years of abuse and torture that hid behind all those tears?

Would they understand why he was crying exactly?

Kartik didn't know. All he knew was that Aman would understand. But Aman was the reason he was crying in the first place. 

Aman had seen him through his nightmares. He had stayed through the dark nights of panic attacks. He has listened and _heard_ him when Kartik cried about all that he'd kept bottled up. 

Aman knew him. Inside out. 

Kartik never had to pretend to be someone else. 

Aman knew his trauma, his hopes, his dreams, his insecurities, his soul. Aman knew him and he was the only one that Kartik needed comfort from now. 

The others...Kartik didn't feel comfortable being this vulnerable with them. 

He needed Aman. 

Suddenly, Kartik remembered his phone. He got up from the floor and started to search their room blindly for his phone. He had;t noticed that he'd been crying until the tears started to blur his vision. He didn't care though. 

He needed to find that phone. 

He rummaged through the bookshelf, the dressers, and turned the bedroom upside down in his mad search. Finally. he found it lying in a corner of the room. Forgotten. Discarded. 

He grabbed the phone impatiently and started to go straight to his messages. 

There it was. 

The last message that Aman had sent. 

_"Go to sleep Kartik. I'll be there soon. I already miss talking to you. I miss your voice already. But I'll be there tomorrow so don't worry. Sleep tight baby."_

Kartik let out a huge sob then. 

Reading those words..those last words of his husband...it was the last straw. He sobbed out loud, clutching the phone to his heart now. 

His legs hit the ground, as his back hit the wall. He slumped down onto the floor, curled up into a fetal position. 

He didn't know what to think. The words of the message kept replaying in his mind. 

_"I miss your voice already,"_ Aman had said. 

How was Kartik supposed to tell Aman that he loved him now? 

How was Kartik supposed to tell him that he'd missed his voice every single day he wasn't with Aman? That right now, he missed it the most. The voice he'll never hear again. Kartik almost wished he's recorded some of Aman's impromptu singing sessions. At least then he'd have something to remember his voice by. 

They say that the first thing you forget about someone is their voice. Kartik read that somewhere. 

He shudders physically about the thought of ever forgetting Aman's voice. It was the voice that had comforted him. The voice that called out his name in such a loving tone that Kartik smiled every time he heard it. 

It was the voice that had been on the other end, listening and reassuring him every night, every bad day, and more. 

It was the voice that he'd come to know better than himself.

The voice that always sounded like home. 

What was he going to do now? 

Every time he'd feel even remotely like on the verge of a breakdown, he'd call Aman. Aman always picked up. For Kartik, he always picked up. 

Even those times when Aman was at work he'd pick up. He'd always get scolded by his boss for it later. Kartik had asked him once why he hadn't just ignored it and called him back after work. 

Aman had taken one look at Kartik and whispered, " _you're always more important and I'll always pick up your call. Even if it's for stupid reasons."_

Kartik remembered that conversation clearly. It used to bring him comfort but now... he let it simmer in the back of his heart, together with all the pain that was slowly burning him alive. Like Aman had been burned alive in the fire. 

He needed to do something. Sitting here alone and in the dark was suffocating him. The loneliness was back, but worse than it had been before he met Aman. 

Even with the family downstairs, he felt so lost and alone. 

The one person that understood him was gone. 

_If no one knows you, do you really even exist at all?_

Another quote that he read somewhere popped into his head. 

He brushed away the intrusive thoughts as he wiped away his tears with the back of his hand. 

His eyes still stared at the phone screen that was now lying discarded again on the floor. Right beside his crumpled form. 

Kartik stared at the message chain from Aman for a whole minute more. 

Then, he sat up and took the phone in his hands. He started typing. Shakingly, he typed all the things he wanted to say. The things that no one will hear. 

He knew Aman would never see them. But he needed to write it down for himself. 

So he typed. With every word, his eyes got blurred more and more. Tears were flowing steadily now even as his silence remained. 

Just the annoying typing sound was heard in an otherwise quiet room. Even though the memories it held of Aman were loud enough to get Kartik sobbing again. 

He finished typing and stared at the message again. 

It felt unreal. It felt weird to see all these emotions written out. 

Kartik's thumb hovered over the send button. He hesitated. 

He tried to convince himself that he should just send it. It wasn't like anyone was going to see or reply. 

But...he couldn't bring himself to.

Sending that message, Kartik realized, would be akin to saying goodbye. It would mean that Kartik had accepted what had happened. 

Kartik didn't want that. He wanted to hold on to the hope that Aman was alive for a little while longer. He didn't want to face reality all too soon. 

He removed his thumb from the send button and dropped the phone unceremoniously onto the floor again. 

He picked himself up, with all the strength he could muster and dragged his own lifeless body to their bed. He fell onto Aman's side of their bed and grabbed a pillow to hug. 

He fell asleep crying just like that. 

And in the corner of the room... amongst the tears that Kartik had shed on the floor, lay the discarded phone. 

The message chain was still open. And in it.... an unsent message. That would never have reached its recipient anyway. 

~~~~

_Aman, where are you? I need you right now. I feel like breaking and I need you here. Please come back._

_I know I have everyone else but they're not you. You know me na? All the bad, and the ugly._

_No one else knows me the way you do. You're always here for me right baby?_

_Will you hold me? I need your hugs right now. Please.  
_

_How do I come back from this?_

_Can I call you? You'll pick up na? For me? You always pick up my phone calls._

_I can't...I can't handle it if you don't._

_Tell me you'll pick up the phone? For me? Just once? One more time?_

_ I need to hear your voice. _

_ I need you.  _

_I miss you._

_I love you._


End file.
